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There are an awful lot of guys out there in Poland (and elsewhere) with Polish girlfriends. It’s not always an easy thing, I know and I feel your pain. This is the definitive list of ‘things to remember’ …at least until I think of the next definitive list.
1 Her name
Bear with me, I’m not being (completely) flippant. About 90 percent of all women in Poland are named Magda, Ola, Anna, Dorota, or Kasia. That’s it. This can be confusing. If you can’t remember your Polish girlfriend’s first name ask her what her second name is. Everybody has a second name here. Unfortunately it’s usually just one of the above, but you might get lucky and come across a Jadwiga (if you’ll pardon the expression).
2. Women’s Day
This is one of approximately 74 occasions during the year when you are required to give a Polish girlfriend flowers. Flower-selling is an immensely profitable and stable business in Poland. There are flower sellers everywhere and, until recently, they were about the only businesses that stayed open on a Sunday. Women’s Day? It’s in April some time; look it up. I’m not even mentioning Valentine’s Day; that’s so obvious that you entirely deserve to lose a testicle if you forget it in Poland.
3. She is a a princess
Polish girls are brought up in the tradition of old-fashioned chivalry and deference to the ‘weaker sex.’ That means YOU carry the bags, open the door, mend things, make tea in the morning, escort her to the bus stop etc. When a little exasperated by this I often point out to my girlfriend that she’s being a ‘bit of a princess’ to which she usually smiles and flutters her eyelids in complete ignorance of the negative connotations of the phrase in British and American English. Oh well.
4. Walking is impossible
Part of the chivalry thing mentioned above is the expectation that whenever you are walking somewhere together she should have her arm looped through yours. Down narrow and crowded streets this makes progress painfully slow. It’s sweet, and I kind of like it sometimes, but it would be nice to walk through crowded areas in single file sometimes instead of having to go through ridiculous sideways-shuffling maneuvers, every five feet.
5. You are furniture
While trying to relax and watch a film in which hundreds of Russian troops are hosed down by panzers she will use you as a pillow / footstool / nose-scratching device. This is also kind of sweet and nice, but it can make it hard to concentrate on the body count.
6. She has a mother…
…who regards you with more than a hint of suspicion. Polish mothers of that generation are convinced that foreigners are godless, feckless, untrustworthy imps sent by satan to steal their daughters and carry them off to London / Dublin / Des Moines. In other words, they are remarkably well informed. You have two choices; get your act together and behave like a decent human being or avoid the mother like the plague. Neither is painless.
7. Your food is not your own
It’s a well known fact amongst men that women mysteriously become ravenously hungry only when you happen to have a large plate of long-anticipated chips in front of you. However, the effect does seem to be particularly pronounced among Polish women, who claim to eat almost nothing. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, order or cook more than you can possibly eat because your stick-thin Polish girlfriend will inevitably develop the appetite of a blue whale the moment her anxiously selected ‘small salad’ arrives.
8. You can kiss other women
She has female friends and it’s perfectly acceptable, in fact encouraged, for you to kiss all of them up to three times every time you see them. Exactly where you put your hands while you are doing this is a issue I have yet to resolve successfully. Still, it’s an up side.
9. She’s smarter than you are
The Polish education system is a marvel and good education is respected above almost everything else here. Chances are that your Polish girlfriend not only speaks English, German, and Russian (how many languages do you speak) but also has a pretty good grasp of a lot of things that you slept through at school. You’re only hope is to pretend that such things ‘aren’t considered important in Western culture’ and shrug until she buys it.
10. …uh oh
I’ve forgotten the last one! I’m in big trouble.
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Brilliant! Certainly agree. :-)
Once said ‘you’re a bit of a princess’ myself and heard ‘why only a bit?!’.
W imieniu wszystkich polskich kobiet chcę tylko przypomnieć, że Dzień Kobiet jest w marcu, a nie w kwietniu! 8- go marca dokładnie.
Radzę zapamiętać! :)
I jeszcze jedno – Imieniny! Trzeba pamiętać o imieninach! :)
Magda / Ola / Dorota / Kasia (and “a little bit of Monica in my life”)
Good points!
Women’s Day is 8th of March and not in April. Phew that was a close one!
Ah yes, name’s days (imieniny). That’s one of the 74 occasions on which flowers are expected.
Response from Polish girl, don’t take that too serious
I can’t agree at all points.
1. But ok, my name is Magda, my mother first wanted to name me Kasia, but second name is Halina.
2. I’m sure there less occasions for giving flowers and flowers are the nicest when they aren’t expected. Women’s day is 8th of March.
3. Yes, we like be called princess, maybe sometimes it’s to much, but don’t you agree that the little bit of old-fashioned chivalry is nice. I read few times that is something foreign women appreciate in Polish man.
4. You get used to it ;) Sometimes it’s much easier not to lose your girlfriend that way.
5. Is it really so important how many bodies where there? And only Polish women do it?
6. Mothers are strange even if you are Polish, even if you are a girlfriend, there is always some kind of problem ;)
7. Eating a little from my boyfriends plate – of course. Eating only a salad – no way. My boyfriend usually eats my food, so the sex doesn’t matters.
8. It depends on a woman. I don’t kiss my friends. You can try to put your arms on her shoulders, maybe that will work?
9. So that’s why people in Poland thinks that western education system is so bad and people aren’t so broad-mined, because of all men that were sleeping instead of learning.
Wiosanna: Thanks for the amusing comments :)
Somehow this got entered under a different post, so I’ve moved it here.
8th of March! See, this is why we need a list!
Have a look at this post from a British woman living in Poland (soon to join us on this site) on the subject of Polish chivalry:
http://pinolona.blogspot.com/2008/02/chivalry.html
That’s great post, I also hate this coat-holding thing, only my uncle does it, my friends fortunately don’t.
Thanks for moving my comment, I don’t know what had happened with it.
I wonder if these points apply to wives too?
Kung fu: One would assume so. If there are any Polish wives out there they can let us know :)
After some observations of a few Polish wives near me:
1. Not at all. (They didn’t change names after marriage though. I guess they want to confuse me by not being Kasias.)
2. Not at all. The least-expected flower is best-timed. (However. Marriage anniversaries. Important to remember if YOU are likely to forget about them and she’s not. Doesn’t work the other sex round. Anniversary presents usually clean up your oblivion-derived mess.)
3. Not at all. She’s turns into a housewife, though she doesn’t want to. The prince charming has to change into the money access provider, cause she expects him to. If you’re both lucky you have a set of warm recollections of / from long time ago when you were royal.
4. Yup. (The next stage being — you don’t have to offer her your arm. In fact you’ll be expected to let her go (shopping for an hour or five). When walking column-wise in dire-straits of a crowdy street, remember to walk behind her. Her walking behind you makes her feel like a slave wife to an Arab and / or a camel. (Which is bad.) If her figure’s not changed much – you may actually enjoy the order. If her figure’s changed much, you can enjoy other figures and the wife can’t notice a thing.)
5. Yup. (But you can develop a rock-hard abdomen instead of beer paunch, and sleeping on hard is hard, so to speak.)
6. No. You’ve already stolen her daughter. Now you have to pay back.
7. Yup. (But only if she’s on a diet. Which is quite always.)
8. Yup, you can. (But only on cheeks. Older and older. Octogenerian aunts or cousinettes, not exactly what you’d have in mind. In mind? Well, place.)
9. Yes. No. (Mileage may vary. Also see below.)
10. You gotta tell her she’s loved, lovable, lovish, lovender, lovetaking, luvsome, loveful, loverend, lovely, lovicious, luvva-luvva etc. When speaking English, you are expected to [over]stress the phonetic difference between “love” and “laugh” or -memes forbid- “loath”. “I leave you” instead of “I luv you” can be disastrous too. (You don’t have to believe any of those words, in fact, lots of them don’t exist: it’s her hearing your compliments that matters, not your believing them. However, you have to sound convincing. If you answer to 9 above is “no”, you’ll know how to lie. If she sees you’re a liar, your answer to 9 above is “yes”.)
11. There’s always some 11.
This is brilliant! So funny…and yet soooooooo true!!! ;-)
In reference to the ‘only a bit of a princess’ comment…
They have a heightened awareness to every single word you say:
Me: “Your new haircut looks really nice actually”
Her: “What does ‘actually’ mean?!”
Plan your compliments in advance!
Glenn: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I see you are a fellow ‘sufferer.’
Nev: Now we’re wondering into the territory of women-in-general methinks. However; true, very true :)
Very nice piece of writing. You sure have a light pen (keyboard), as we say in Poland :)
You’ve managed to sneak some sarcasm into the text, and it’s obvious that the post as a whole should not be taken too seriously.
You forgot to mention though, that when kissing “other” women, you’re only allowed to kiss them on the cheeks (face ;) ).
Jarek: Thanks for the kind words. Of course, if you’re a foreigner, it’s always possible to ‘accidentally’ get the kissing location wrong… although it would be a bit obvious if you went for the wrong kind of cheek.
Sometimes it could be worth a shot, though, methinks ;)
[...] Ten things to remember when you have a Polish girlfriend About 90 percent of all women in Poland are named Magda, Ola, Anna, Dorota, or Kasia. That’s it. [...]
[...] career set off in Berlin. Fathered Polish national opera. — It was, uh, blasphemised calculated there are 5 female names in Poland. The title of one Moniuszko’s highlit opera is Halka. [...]
“Polish girls are brought up in the tradition of old-fashioned chivalry and deference to the ‘weaker sex.’ That means YOU carry the bags, open the door, mend things, make tea in the morning, escort her to the bus stop etc.”
I’m so happy I married a Canadian :P I don’t have to carry all the bags!
I’m Marta! :D But I even call my boyfriend “a Pillow”, so there’s some truth in what you write ;)
Anonymous Marta: I’m thinking of starting a pillows anonymous mutual support group.
i have a polish girl friend , i agree with what u said except points 8 and 9. she said that if i touch a girl she will cut my (….) and the polish education is not that good , most of polish barely speak english .
2. She might be pleased if you give her a flower on Women’s Day, or she might stab you in the eye with a pencil and call you a commie.
8. You never ever kiss another woman on the cheek. You protest vehemently that in your culture that’s scandalous alien behaviour, but you’re prepared to wink shyly and respectfully fondle her closest friends’ breasts. And her mother’s if you’ve smoked a few.
I laughed at it so much, It’s true in most parts and woman’s day is March 8 :)
evita: I’m glad you enjoyed it, and thank god you told me the date… I still have a few months to prepare.
This is the most hilarious note you’ve written here! The worst thing is that it’s all true… I’m a woman who prefers carrying her bags herself, is familiar with hammer and screwdriver, likes eating (and drinking, whoa!) as much as men do – and guess what? I keep hearing from my female friends, mother and other female relatives that it’s very stupid of me, that when I’m acting like this my partner ‘doesn’t have an occasion to feel like a real man’. Also, my male friends always considered me as weird and non-femine. In Ireland (where I live now) girls are tough and strong and no one tells them that they’d almost become men.
Margot: Good luck to you, don’t let anyone tell you what you should be.
Well, I can tell somebody had a hard time here :> This is a bullshit. Every woman is different. Just like every guy. And this whole story about how bad your silly polish, weird girlfriend is – was written by someone who is a jerk. If you dont like something about different culture than simply stay at home and breed with people with the same nationality. I was wondering, someone forced you to date polish girl??? Besides, I feel sorry for you hahahahaha if you know only Kasias and Anias than it means-> 1- it’s too hard to remember rest of the names or – you are not smart enough to get to know more girls hahahahaha LOL But you know, i’m thinking …maybe its even better Cause you can share your “name” knowledge with your friends, and practise in bars – maybe this way they will be able to prounance them right. since i’ve been in england british guys cant even spell my name right, because of course Karolina and Caroline are completely different names LOL :> Pathetic!
Please make yourself a favour and forgot about being smart for some time. And really, it seems like you dont get what being with someone means. Gew up!
karolina: You might want to sit down, I have shocking news for you. We’ve performed all the medical tests and looked at the X-rays and I’m afraid to have to tell you that… you don’t have a sense of humour.
what karolina wants to say is that you don’t really respect polish girls.
One time I made the mistake of asking my Polish wife if Womens day wasn’t a communist holiday, therefore was is not my duty as an American to ignore such things?…. oh boy big mistake and Karolina yes I was forced to both date and marry a Polish girl.
[...] to the, er, shall we say interested and invested nature of Polish families, parents too. Then this post made me laugh: Ten Things to Remember when you Have a Polish Girlfriend. (Note No. [...]
ahhh.it’s great you write funny thing but please please please, if you’re gonna be publishing articles- learn your grammar first!!!!! “second name” in english stands for “surname”- you wanted to say “middle name”. Also, it annoys the hell out of me when people misspell “loose”!!!! it’s retarded!!! these two words have utterly different meanings! so please PLEASE- if you’re publishing- have it proof-read!!!!
Monica: Thanks for pointing out the typo ‘loose’. No thanks at all for being such as prig about it. Only a Pole, and I’m assuming you are a Pole, could manage this level of arrogance over a typo. How about this: in future why not try assuming the people you are addressing are human beings and, therefore, entitled to the same level of respect that you yourself might enjoy. You’ll find it makes the world a sweeter place.
Your post cracked me up! I loved it & thought I would give it to have a look to my partner, who, funnily enough, was absolutely delighted with it & on top of that said it is so true! Spot on!
Steven: Well done you!
Monica: my word, how about taking it nice & easy? & it’s not like the text was published in “Rzeczpospolita” or its kind.
karolina: seems to me someone is having some serious minority complex issues. no offence, sweetpie, but take it all with a pinch of salt & don’t get so agitated!
Again many thanks for the post! x
Kasia U-T: Thanks very much for the nice words. Tell your partner we have a support group for people with Polish girlfriends, sometimes we need all the help we can get. Interesting surname by the way, do I detect a Polish-English or Polish-Irish connection?