101 misuses of vodka

Since Poland is the birthplace of vodka I thought I would share this utterly bizarre post about the magic liquid that I found on a website called Divine Caroline. Lesser mortals such as you and I may be able to come up with two, maybe three, uses for vodka. The list would look something like this:

1. Happy juice. Drink it and suddenly the world seems like a happier, less deranged place.
2. Bribe. Give it to other people so that they go away or do something you want them to do.
3. Erm… that’s it.

Not so. Divine Caroline has come up with no less than 20 brain boggling uses. Here are the highlights with my ever-so-slightly flippant comments appended.

1. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

Also provides an excellent excuse for stinking of vodka at the office the day after: “Me? Drinking? No way, it’s this vodka spray thing my wife’s been using to clean the shower.”

2. Clean jewelry. Soak the jewelry in vodka for five minutes, then rinse, and dry.

Or suck it.

3. Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with vodka, then throw into your regular wash.

Your wife will be delighted to come across a lipstick smeared shirt reeking of vodka. Assuming you have a wife. And assuming she does your washing.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

How expensive would a safety razor have to be before it was worth wasting a half liter of vodka on keeping it ‘rust free?’ Also, wouldn’t that be EXTREMELY painful the next time you used it? Also, is it wise to use a razor with a built in vodka aftershave scent?

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

This is assuming that you didn’t drink all the vodka prior to producing the vomit stains in the first place. I guess you could use it on your baby; Grandmothers are particularly delighted by grandchildren that reek of 40 percent proof.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

…and you smell like a pijak all day long.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

…and you smell like a pijak all day long. What the hell is a ‘jigger’ anyway?

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

Sweet Jesus I laughed long and hard at that one. What kind of lunatic wanders around with a spray bottle full of vodka executing wasps? Would that even work? Alternatively you could drink all the vodka and attempt to bat wasps out of the air using the empty bottle; it’s a fun game for the whole family.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

Plus you have a bag full of ready-iced vodka in your freezer for ’emergencies.’

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

Assuming your aches and pains last for more than three days, in which case I would recommend skipping a few steps and drinking the vodka right away.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

So when the doctor comes to call you’re lying in bed soaked in sweat, semi-conscious, and stinking of vodka…

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

Surely there’s a clause in the Polish constitution that classifies this kind of activity as treason?

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

Always take a liter of vodka to the beach with you. Goes without saying really.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

Always take a liter of vodka with you to the forest with you… see above.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

JUST DRINK IT FOR HEAVEN”S SAKE!

16. Soothe a sore throat. Add a tablespoon of vodka to glass of warm water and gargle. The alcohol helps numb the sore throat.

I give up.

17. Eliminate swimmer’s ear. If you don’t have rubbing alcohol, fill an eardropper with vodka, and squeeze it into the affected ear, then let it drain out.

Also a great excuse for why your pillow stinks of Wyborowa.

No, there aren’t really 101 of them. I lied. Sue me.

8 out of 10 intelligent alcoholics read Wyspianski Unwinding

Advertisements
Tagged

10 thoughts on “101 misuses of vodka

  1. darthsida says:

    Island, I take it you’ll want that dictionary scheduled June 2009, including things like 1 jigger (usu aka 1 pony), a unit of measure, 2 mouthfuls, 1/2 jack, usu ‘miarka (barowa)’ in Polish, some 44ml?

    A few anti-stain uses are clever, yet I have had a feeling replacing vodka with cola would produce better effects, cheaper. As to anti-smell uses, the trick is obviously in drinking — as much as needed to make you smell zipo.

    Number 5 was really yucky-scary. (I thought it’d evolve into a cocktail recipe.)

  2. mochafueled says:

    As I read and laughed I just kept thinking what would this disolvant do to my insides… but good to know there is a use for that old Polish Vodka I have laying around since 2002.

    I did not read about deep cleaning your teath with V?

  3. island1 says:

    Darth: Smell zip or smell like a zippo? :)

    Mocha: You’ve had a bottle of vodka since 2002! Keep that quiet or they’ll never let you back in the country.

  4. mochafueled says:

    I guess I should not tell the borders guards that I don’t like drinking paint remover… I think I bought it for the cool looking bottle to sit on my kitchen top. Problem was all my friends were beer or wine lovers… or the ocasional martini… so you bottle is safe should I make it to your fine town this year…. looks like Africa next.

  5. michael farris says:

    Note from personal experience:

    Having a half dozen glasses of wine followed by vodka shots will purge your system very, very thoroughly.

    You’ll probably even survive (though you may wish you wouldn’t about halfway through.

  6. island1 says:

    Michael: Granted, that is another legitimate (if painful) use.

  7. Pawel says:

    i’m surprised she’d use 40% vodka and not 98% spirytus rektyfikowany;) oh that would work twice better eheheh:D

  8. Ben says:

    I read your energy posts with interest. Personally I am particularly interested in what the Polish government are doing (or not as it would appear) with regards to promoting the use of renewable energy.

    I can’t wait for the energy market to be privatised so that I can have a choice from where I buy electricity and could then choose to support green operators, or choice an operator that will allow me to sell power back to the grid. If I could do that I would seriously consider installing solar electric panels.

  9. […] 101 misuses of vodka Clean jewelry. Soak the jewelry in vodka for five minutes, then rinse, and dry. Or suck it. […]

  10. Happy juice. Drink it and suddenly the world seems like a happier, less deranged place – oh how true this is!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s