Since Poland is the birthplace of vodka I thought I would share this utterly bizarre post about the magic liquid that I found on a website called Divine Caroline. Lesser mortals such as you and I may be able to come up with two, maybe three, uses for vodka. The list would look something like this:
1. Happy juice. Drink it and suddenly the world seems like a happier, less deranged place.
2. Bribe. Give it to other people so that they go away or do something you want them to do.
3. Erm… that’s it.
Not so. Divine Caroline has come up with no less than 20 brain boggling uses. Here are the highlights with my ever-so-slightly flippant comments appended.
1. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
Also provides an excellent excuse for stinking of vodka at the office the day after: “Me? Drinking? No way, it’s this vodka spray thing my wife’s been using to clean the shower.”
2. Clean jewelry. Soak the jewelry in vodka for five minutes, then rinse, and dry.
Or suck it.
3. Clean lipstick from clothing. Rub the stain with vodka, then throw into your regular wash.
Your wife will be delighted to come across a lipstick smeared shirt reeking of vodka. Assuming you have a wife. And assuming she does your washing.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
How expensive would a safety razor have to be before it was worth wasting a half liter of vodka on keeping it ‘rust free?’ Also, wouldn’t that be EXTREMELY painful the next time you used it? Also, is it wise to use a razor with a built in vodka aftershave scent?
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
This is assuming that you didn’t drink all the vodka prior to producing the vomit stains in the first place. I guess you could use it on your baby; Grandmothers are particularly delighted by grandchildren that reek of 40 percent proof.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
…and you smell like a pijak all day long.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
…and you smell like a pijak all day long. What the hell is a ‘jigger’ anyway?
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
Sweet Jesus I laughed long and hard at that one. What kind of lunatic wanders around with a spray bottle full of vodka executing wasps? Would that even work? Alternatively you could drink all the vodka and attempt to bat wasps out of the air using the empty bottle; it’s a fun game for the whole family.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
Plus you have a bag full of ready-iced vodka in your freezer for ’emergencies.’
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
Assuming your aches and pains last for more than three days, in which case I would recommend skipping a few steps and drinking the vodka right away.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
So when the doctor comes to call you’re lying in bed soaked in sweat, semi-conscious, and stinking of vodka…
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
Surely there’s a clause in the Polish constitution that classifies this kind of activity as treason?
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
Always take a liter of vodka to the beach with you. Goes without saying really.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
Always take a liter of vodka with you to the forest with you… see above.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
JUST DRINK IT FOR HEAVEN”S SAKE!
16. Soothe a sore throat. Add a tablespoon of vodka to glass of warm water and gargle. The alcohol helps numb the sore throat.
I give up.
17. Eliminate swimmer’s ear. If you don’t have rubbing alcohol, fill an eardropper with vodka, and squeeze it into the affected ear, then let it drain out.
Also a great excuse for why your pillow stinks of Wyborowa.
No, there aren’t really 101 of them. I lied. Sue me.
8 out of 10 intelligent alcoholics read Wyspianski Unwinding