The latest review of U.S. defense policy has produced a new alternative to the controversial and long-delayed missile batteries promised to Poland by former president George W Bush. The new scheme, known by the code name ‘Baseball Bat’ has been described as “pretty scary” by Polish defense analysts. “To be honest,” said U.S. Vice President Joe Biden “it’s more of a description than a code name.” “The plan is to equip thousands of households along Poland’s borders with genuine U.S. baseball bats that can be used to beat any future invaders senseless.” explained Biden.
Households across the United States have been asked to look in their garages for old baseball bats that can be sent to “our brave allies in Poland.” The scheme, dubbed ‘Bats across the ocean’ has brought at least several all-American hickory sticks flooding into a box in the basement of the Pentagon. “Yeah, I sent in a bat” said Ed Wozniak, a fireman from Pewaukee, Wisconsin. “My grandpappy was Polish and he always kept a baseball bat under his bed in case the Nazis came back. It’s the least we can do. Literally” continued Mr. Wozniak.
During an informal briefing in the lounge of Warsaw’s trendy Vegas Cats Gentlemen’s Club an aide to Bid Laden (ed. Van Biden surely?) said: “It all started when we discovered Bush’s plans for the missile shield were actually just some crayon drawings on the back of a pretzel packet.” “Missiles are big, smelly dangerous things. You’re far better off without them. Besides, we haven’t got any… honest.”
In a separate meeting with Czech officials Biden revealed his plan for teams of “really, really good listeners” to be positioned on mountaintops facing east as a “sensible alternative to all that tedious mucking about with advanced radar systems.” The office of Russian president Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment because there seemed to be some kind of party going on.
Really, really good listeners are in training now and will be deployed by the end of the century