Poland to get U.S. 'Baseball Bat' defense system


The latest review of U.S. defense policy has produced a new alternative to the controversial and long-delayed missile batteries promised to Poland by former president George W Bush. The new scheme, known by the code name ‘Baseball Bat’ has been described as “pretty scary” by Polish defense analysts. “To be honest,” said U.S. Vice President Joe Biden “it’s more of a description than a code name.” “The plan is to equip thousands of households along Poland’s borders with genuine U.S. baseball bats that can be used to beat any future invaders senseless.” explained Biden.

Households across the United States have been asked to look in their garages for old baseball bats that can be sent to “our brave allies in Poland.” The scheme, dubbed ‘Bats across the ocean’ has brought at least several all-American hickory sticks flooding into a box in the basement of the Pentagon. “Yeah, I sent in a bat” said Ed Wozniak, a fireman from Pewaukee, Wisconsin. “My grandpappy was Polish and he always kept a baseball bat under his bed in case the Nazis came back. It’s the least we can do. Literally” continued Mr. Wozniak.

During an informal briefing in the lounge of Warsaw’s trendy Vegas Cats Gentlemen’s Club an aide to Bid Laden (ed. Van Biden surely?) said: “It all started when we discovered Bush’s plans for the missile shield were actually just some crayon drawings on the back of a pretzel packet.” “Missiles are big, smelly dangerous things. You’re far better off without them. Besides, we haven’t got any… honest.”

In a separate meeting with Czech officials Biden revealed his plan for teams of “really, really good listeners” to be positioned on mountaintops facing east as a “sensible alternative to all that tedious mucking about with advanced radar systems.” The office of Russian president Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment because there seemed to be some kind of party going on.


Really, really good listeners are in training now and will be deployed by the end of the century

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11 thoughts on “Poland to get U.S. 'Baseball Bat' defense system

  1. wildphelps says:

    This post is destined for greatness or The Onion…

  2. Steven says:

    I think that what island is trying to say, is that Obama, not an arrogant Texas tool, realizes that we have plenty of nuclear submarines and other warships to park up the arse of Iran.
    It just makes no sense to ask Poland to host billions of dollars of our money, when we can level any country we like at the touch of a button.
    Also, listening to the RP hee, and haw, and demand more money year after year had some sway in the decision. Sort of how roads get rebuilt here too.

  3. adthelad says:

    Pathetic! Surely the Polish government would have been advised that the British have a defence system code named ‘cricket bat’. It is known to be much broader system which consistantly outperforms the competition in total numbers of intercepts.

    Yet another government scandal? It wouldn’t surprise me!

  4. bob says:

    I would propose strengthening the ‘shield’ to include a cadre of 2nd liners with catcher’s mitts and catchers gear to stop the wayward missles which were missed by the bat brigades.

  5. Pioro-Boncza says:

    Well actually it made plenty of sense for all the defense contractors that the Bush administration favored working on an advanced missile interceptor that worked 10% of the time at best. And even so, Russian missiles could be reprogrammed within 10 minutes which would make the interceptor system useless. It was just another glorious defense industry money-pit a la Reaganite “Star Wars”. It made plenty sense for Poland as these billions of dollars would bring millions of zlotys and hundreds of local jobs into rural economic deadzones in the middle of Zadupie, Poland. Furthermore, no matter what Article 5 of the NATO Charter says, I really doubt the US would bear down all its might if Poland was suddenly faced with a conventional attack from Russia’s military. However, if actual US troops were put in harm’s way – that would be a game changer. Unfortunately, the Realpolitik is that Poland does not have the massive amount of US capital invested into it as does Germany and it is not sitting on top of an ocean of liquid dinosaur bones or any other ‘strategic asset’ worth spending US lives or taxpayer money. Perfect example is why N.Korea (a far greater threat to regional and US security) never got attacked and why Iraq did.

  6. Phlojd says:

    VP Biden obviously stole the idea from Rancid:

  7. Phlojd says:

    Sorry. The sound is better and at least somewhat more distinguishable here:

  8. Stan Bandos says:

    The picture of the guy with only three rotton teeth has to be a Brit.

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