Late yesterday thieves broke into Britain and made off with an unknown number of neo-nazis. Early reports are that it was all of them but a government official has urged calm saying: “Let’s not get our hopes up at this early stage in the investigation. Police are even now rigorously avoiding looking for these barn pots so we just have to hope none of them turn up safe and well of their own accord.”
The daring theft apparently took place under the cover of broad daylight while security forces were suddenly busy dealing with a bit of dirt they all simultaneously found under their fingernails. Passers by report seeing nothing at all since they were all whistling nonchalantly and peering upwards at the time. “We’ve pretended to question everyone in the area,” said a Police spokesman, “and, so far, we’re confident there is absolutely no information that might lead to these oxygen-wasting pinheads being returned safely to their homes and the people who loath them.”
Speculation is growing that the neo-nazis may have been stolen to order. Sources close to everyone you know have hinted that there is a shadowy underworld of completely sane and healthy people who would give anything to get hold of prominent neo-nazis and lock them in very dark and secure rooms so they can enjoy not looking at them anytime they like. A representative of the human race said: “It’s hard to believe, but there are individuals out there with the money and power to make this kind of thing happen.”
If the neo-nazis have been taken as part of a vast and deeply comforting conspiracy where are they likely to end up? By speaking to any passing normal person we’ve uncovered a series of agreeable possibilities. Once they are securely pinioned behind thick one-way glass we can assume these objects will be subjected to intensive study so as to determine their genus and species. Huge sums are believed to have been invested in the hope of establishing that the kind of creature who might want to, say, own the Auschwitz Arbeit Macht Frei sign for their personal amusement is of an entirely different and, hopefully, short-lived species than Homo Sapiens Sapiens.
A think tank made up of every rational human being on Earth has proposed a radical solution in the unlikely event that the neo-nazis are returned to Britain: mentoring by mentally and ethically superior peers. The government is believed to be putting together a specialist team of people who slap their girlfriends on buses in the hope that these relatively advanced citizens can talk some sense into them.
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The Arbeit Macht Frei sign theft story depressed me. Seriously, these people are making the entire human race look bad; Polish, Swedish, British or whatever they turn out to be. Just in case people are watching from Alpha Centauri I’ve decided to rewrite the episode in a more sensible and heartwarming form. In other words, it’s a satire.