Mosquitoes belong to that elite group of creatures that feed on humans, along with sharks, tigers and velociraptors. Sharks are easy to avoid: just never go near any water deeper than a bath. Tigers very rarely fly through your bedroom window at night and velociraptors are known to be picky eaters, mostly preferring Jeff Goldblum.
You can’t argue with a science diagram
Mosquitoes are less likely to leave you needing hospitalization, unless you live in the malaria belt, but they are everywhere—especially in Poland this year. According to the news, there are an unusually large number of mosquitoes around because of all the standing water left behind by the floods. Nonsense I say—it’s because they shot all the beavers. It’s not well known but beavers are implacable in their hatred of mosquitoes and spend much of their time wiping them out—have you ever seen a beaver’s tail: it’s a highly efficient mosquito swatter built right onto the body. Beavers hate mosquitoes so much they sometimes fell trees with their teeth just to knock the buggers out of the air. All that business with dams is an excuse to spend time near rivers so they have more opportunities to kill mosquitoes.
Beavers: the mosquito nemesis
The big difference between mosquitoes and other human-eaters such as tigers, sharks and velociraptors is that the latter at least have the decency to sever and remove the parts of your body they are feeding on. Mosquitoes leave them stubbornly attached to rest of your central nervous system so you can enjoy the torturous itching for several days. If you’re going to bite my legs seventeen times, just take them with you—they’re really no use to me any more.
Read my Open Letter to Mosquitoes