Jesus builds giant Poland in Central Europe

The supernatural world was riven this week by news that Jesus, youngest son of Yahweh, has begun construction of a 300,000 square kilometre country to be called Poland in the centre of the European continent. Stretching a thousand kilometres from end to end, Poland will be the largest country called Poland ever built.

“The plan,” said Jesus, “is to build a whopping big country that will be totally devoted to me, and then give it a really hard time for the next two thousand years.” “It will be highly fertile and nice and flat, hopefully attracting invading armies from far and wide,” he added. “At the moment, almost nobody goes to Central Europe, partly because my dad hasn’t invented people yet, but also because there’s just a big hole there at the moment. I’m going to change all that.”

According to winged sources close to Jesus, the initial plan was for a modest island somewhere in the Baltic, but over time the project has grown in scope and ambition to take over a large proportion of the neighbouring continent. Odin, who was planning to build a tree with branches that held up the sky on the site, is said to be furious.

Critics have slammed the plan as an act of “tasteless megalomania” and the project has been hit by a series of technical setbacks. “It’s true that the initial shipment of mountains we received did not meet regulations and had to be scrapped,” admitted a spokes-angel, ” but we’ve filled in the gaps with a whole bunch of forests left over from the Canada site.” Asked to reply to criticisms that the drainage system was defective and could lead to regular and catastrophic flooding he added: “No comment.”

Poland is set to open Thursday, assuming plans for living creatures to teem the waters are completed on schedule.

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14 thoughts on “Jesus builds giant Poland in Central Europe

  1. polkaontheisland says:

    I second that.

  2. adthelad says:

    Oh how very droll.

  3. bob says:

    Good one Jamie – looking forward to the next installment: ‘the immaculate conception – how the first wooden cross was formed’

  4. Another Ewa says:

    Now, that IS funny!

  5. vlad says:

    This is by far one of the funniest and wittiest posts read here. Brilliant! Congrats :)

  6. Excellent post, Jaime. :)

  7. Seraph says:

    Now Jamie, this time you went too far.
    The information about the plan was given to you as you are the chosen one. We did not expect you to be as flippant as to announce it to all on your devilish magical picture box.
    The boss said that once he’s back from his holiday in Bulgaria, he’ll personally make sure you never ever divulge our secrets to humans (and you know how “merciful” he can be when pissed off).
    BTW, your application for the position in upper row of the choir has been rejected. No need to appeal.

  8. szopeno says:

    Świebodzin was my home city. My parents live there.
    Imagine what it will be like, to go to the Tesco or to the swimming pool and see that huge statue..

    But then, it’s not state money. It was money gathered by local priest.

  9. island1 says:

    I’m actually a fan of the Świebodzin Jesus. It’s an impressive achievement by a group of dedicated amateurs. I imagine it would be a bit annoying if you lived there though.

  10. Christ blesses Tesco

    The world’s largest effigy of Jesus has been completed and is set to be unveiled in the Polish town of Świebodzin on November 21. The zł.4 million statue, which will measure 51 meters in total, will stand with its arms stretched out – to a Tesco supermarket. The store’s management is counting on increased revenues while locals plan to invest in motels and souvenir stores.
    (Dziennik Gazeta Prawna, November 8, p. 2)

  11. Brilliant. Montypythonish a bit :)

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