Poland 2.0

For the millions of beautiful people living in Poland’s capital city the geographic organisation of the country is a little inconvenient. Warsaw is too far east and other cities could be better placed according to their current situation as opposed to continuing to respect the historical accidents that got them where they are today. After all, progress is progress, right?!

Whilst there may be a little disruption involved it will be kept to a minimum and when taking a long term view it is far better to take advantage of 20 years of inactivity and get this job done before any roads are built or other infrastructure works are started.

Here’s the (bad) map today for reference:

With elections on the horizon a select committee of Poland’s top political leaders decided there were votes to be had from rearranging the country more appropriately and asked Polandian to carry out a detailed and comprehensive study on how best it should be done. Polandian staff worked alongside highly paid consultants from world leading firms like McDinsey, Ernst & Watercloset and KGB to come up with the plan below. This was submitted and approved last week. Changes will start to take place after the elections.

The new Poland, working title “Poland 2.0”


As you can see, not exactly revolutionary but then all the best ideas are simple ones! Here’s a run down of what changed and why:

  • Unchanged – Białystok & Lublin. They like the east so they can stay there.
  • Unchanged – Katowice. Mining town in the middle of mine country, why change it?
  • Gdansk. The Ukrainian owner is prepared to pay 50% of the cost of moving it closer to his headquarters. It also improves the traffic situation by the seaside in the summer months.
  • Poznań & Wrocław – Not big changes but the Germans asked if they could be nudged just a little closer. Subsequent requests to change the names back to Posen and Breslau were refused.
  • Łodż & Bydgoszcz- although they used to have a quite central positions they were largely ignored. We’re hoping that being closer to some nice mountains will make them more attractive.
  • Szczecin – was always so far away from anywhere that nobody bothered to go there so we thought we’d combine it with Rzeszow, which was in a similar situation.
  • Kraków – a very nice place but largely useless to the regular working of the country. Also suffers from too many tourists and students. An island will be built, similar to how they do it in Dubai, and Kraków will be relocated into the Baltic making it an even prettier place to have a party. Those Danes know how to throw a stag party so being close to Bornholm will also prove advantageous.
  • Warsaw – will take a rightfully dominant position, leaning more toward the west than the east. Also moves nearer the seaside for the those weekend breaks whilst not getting too far away from Mazury or the mountains.
  • With the exception of the city of Warsaw, the whole central part of Poland – flat and boring as it is – will become a nature reserve and site of special scientific interest thus preserving the world’s only surviving examples working medieval farms.

It is expected that the towns moving will retain their original characteristics and blend these with their new surroundings so, for example, we can expect to see the citizens of Łodż knocking up cute little outfits for those small portions of mountain cheese and making more films about skiing.

The estimated cost of the changes is 250 gazillion PLN (25% of that if we give the job to the Chinese) with half the funding coming from the EU and the rest from Greece. The initial plan is to have it done in time for the Euro 2012 football championships.

Official complaints will only be recognised if made as comments to this post.

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5 thoughts on “Poland 2.0

  1. If I get moved close to Sweden, I want dual Polish/Swedish citizenship. Also, this is honestly going to make the commute to Warsaw somewhat longer and wetter than it used to be.

  2. papageno says:

    Nice! Have you shown it to the Sejm, yet? I believe they are planning a few highways to be built before football championships. Please let them know about these relocations before they actually start any serious attempts at road construction.

  3. Outsider says:

    If I may point out a few minor flaws in this otherwise fine and well thought out plan:

    1. Warsaw – still nowhere near a highway?

    2. Szczecin – I much prefer it remains a suburb of Berlin rather than become the asshole of the universe. If the inhabitants of Rzeszów want more iodine in their air but would still like to be surrounded by miles of natural and economic wilderness, relocating them to Szczecin will do the trick.

    3. Bialystok: as a stronghold of disco polo, I think the city deserves a setting more befitting its cultural status. How about another island in the Baltic? Say, in the Gulf of Bothnia?

  4. odrzut says:

    I demand that Lublin will be near montains AND sea.

    In return Lubelskie will happily cede all its motorways to whoever want’s to make a deal.

  5. island1 says:

    Well this is no good – every city is even further away from the other cities than they are now. The only solution is to cram all of them into a 100 by 100 square km area so that travel times via Polish rail come down to sensible levels (i.e. less than half of my remaining lifetime).

    Place Krakow on an offshore island by all means, but I vote for the Med rather than the Baltic.

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