Dear Ciocia Halinka,
I’m worried my boyfriend might be English!
Alfie speaks English, but he always told me he was an American from Memphis. The other day I came home early from work and caught him drinking beer and shouting “Bloody plonker!” at the TV. My friend Monika says this is what English men do a lot and she known ‘cus she was living in Wolverhampton and Bridlington.
Please help me, how can I find out if my boyfriend is really English and how can I get rid of him if he is?
Magda from Konin
Oh dear, we have been a silly girl haven’t we. You know you shouldn’t have boys in your house, even to watch your television, until you are engaged, and even then you should have two or three aunts present. You really must be more careful or people will be perfectly justified in thinking that you are probably kissing and holding hands as well.
I can see you have a very serious problem here and this makes me happy, because I can help of course. The English are a Godless race and English men are cunning devils, often adopting disguises to hide their true identity, but there are ways to see through their evil lies. There are some things they just can’t hide.
Have you ever been to a restaurant and he’s offered to pay half the bill?
Have you ever had to open a door or put your coat on without help?
Do you find him reluctant to go with you to church?
Have you ever found your male “friend” lying face down outside the door of his flat muttering something about “bad beer.”
Has he ever displayed an interest in football, rugby, or cricket?
Have you ever seen him laughing hysterically at grown men wearing sparkly suits dancing on tv?
Have you ever heard him use any of the following words or phrases:
I say old thing!
Apples and pears
If you find your “friend” really is English I advise discussing it with your priest, calling the police or informing some of your hairiest and toughest aunts. And always remember – “Bad company corrupts good morals” (Joshua 23:1-16)
God bless you my child,