Here’s a fascinating story that I’m willing to risk my very life to bring you: According to Polska Times, a US psychologist has concluded not only that woman can be a bit catty towards other women, but that Polish women are the cattiest in the world. The first part of this conclusion is about as startling as a finding that there really is no smoke without fire, but the second made me pause to consider. I’ve long been of the opinion that Polish people don’t really like each other and enjoy nothing more than seeing their neighbours fall face-down in mud, but now I come to think of it, perhaps it’s just the women who are like this. Polish society is strongly matriarchal after all—maybe this is the root of the phenomenon. On the other hand, maybe the whole thing is rubbish and US psychologists should get back to investigating whether throwing the baby out with the bath water is genuinely inadvisable.
Take back what you said about my hat or I will destroy your life and the lives of everyone you ever met.
To help you decide, here is a completely genuine extract from a survey that probably wasn’t used in this research.
1. Your best friend recently got married. Do you…
a) Congratulate her loudly and often on her new-found happiness?
b) Tell her she must be happy because she’s put on weight?
c) Seduce her husband, demand he divorce, marry him, then leave him a broken alcoholic shell after 20 years of bitter psychological abuse?
2. Your best friend recently got a great new job. Do you…
a) Send her flowers and arrange a party to celebrate her success?
b) Ask her who she had to sleep with?
c) Send her new employer those photos of her passed out after 17 margaritas?
3. An attractive young woman starts work in your office. Do you…
a) Welcome her warmly and offer to help with anything she is unsure about?
b) Ask her how long she’s been out of prison?
c) Convince her that bikinis are mandatory on Fridays?
4. Your female friend says something rude to you under stress. Do you…
a) Laugh it off—everybody has bad moods sometimes?
b) Remind her of it on every possible occasion for the next 20 years?
c) Have ‘REVENGE’ tattooed on your forehead and hunt her down with a knife?
5. Your female friend just bought that dress you’ve been thinking about getting for yourself. Do you…
a) Say: “It looks so much better on you than it would on me.”
b) Say: “I really admire women who just wear what they want and don’t care what other people think.”
c) Rip it from her body and dump a bucket of goat’s blood over her head.
Mostly A’s: You are not a woman. If you thought you were a woman up until now, we suggest you get your chromosomes checked, or become an Olympic sprinter.
Mostly B’s: You are a woman and probably have some Polish ancestry.
Mostly C’s: Stay well away from us.
You are, essentially, doomed.