Tag Archives: Eurovision Song Contest

Eurovision – nobody loves us, we don’t care

The Beatroot is a guest on Polandian. We’ve given him some comfy slippers, a cup of tea, and a nice biscuit. Now let’s all sit quietly and see what he has to say.

I don’t know why I put myself through the yearly ritual, ketch fest that is the Eurovision Song Contest. It just keeps finding new, deeper, more painful definitions of ‘awful’ to live up to each year. But it’s time someone stopped the fat lady singing. Before a small war breaks out in Europe.

Poland’s entry this year, by Isis Gee – who one journalist accused of being a transsexual, an accusation she denies – did rather poorly. In fact, it bombed to earth with more velocity than a lead statue of Ryszard Kalisz, tipped from a 20th floor balcony would. Thwaaack! 

It was joined by the UK and Germany, in an untidy heap, at the bottom with a miserable 14 points.

Russia, meanwhile got 3,000,0000,00001 points from all sorts of countries that you would think would rather vote for their own separatist state claimants before they text messaged in a vote for the Kremlin. And all the Balkan countries, not two decades from a very nasty civil war, all vote for each other. 

Even the Scandinavians pretend to like each other! 

Does Eurovision exist in an alternative universe, where Europe is made up of thee regional blocs – the Nordic, the Balkan, the Eastern European, each in its own frenzied wife swapping party? 

But what about the rest of us? 

What about Poland, UK and Germany? Do we have no friends to swing with? 

Now, admittedly, the German entry was BAD. It really was. There were four members in the band, who managed to sing three different songs, each in different keys. That’s quite a talent. But not one, sadly, that anyone would wish to have. 

The UK entry reminded me of the Lighthouse Family. Nice suit! And the Polish entry was no worse than usual. 

Meanwhile, the Bosnian entry – backed in the voting by their best friends the Serbs and Croats [?] – was truly, truly awful. It was like Ich Troje on heroin, but still managed to get loads of points. 

Eurovision is the jewel in the crown of the European Broadcasting Union. They thought it up in the 1950s, when they started, to justify their existence. Now guess who are the two largest financial contributors to the EBU? German and UK. 

So, backed by Poland – who even East Europeans don’t vote for –  I propose that we threaten the three blocs of Europe currently in Eurovision orgy with themselves, that if they don’t start voting for us, then it’s time to take our money and set up our own song contest – for lonely countries. Sponsored by the Samaritans.

The Beatroot is the author of The Beatroot (if you can get your head around that concept) a blog about Polish politics, current affairs and, occasionally, root vegetables.

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