It’s that time of year when Mystik Monika rolls her palms over her crystal ball and tries to foresee what the future holds. The Polandian crew found a few spare złoty down the side of the couch and asked her to cast her eye over what lies in store for Poland over the coming year. Here’s what she had to say:
January – Donald Tusk will start campaigning for the October parliamentary elections early by announcing that he would like Poland to “become the new Laos, Belize, Tajikistan… someone…?!?” After trying to be the next Ireland didn’t turn out to be the dream he wanted, he will latch onto any country as an alternative option. However, this will back-fire as the voters will not react well to his flip-flopping, and he will spend months trying to repair the damage.
February – The football season resumes after the winter break, and a surprise team charges to the top of the Ekstraklasa table with Arbiter FC picking up 3, 4 or 5 points in every game they play. Some notable results sees the referee send off all eleven players for Lech Poznań when they play the Arbiter side. In another game, the referee awards a world record 24 penalties as Arbiter FC wins 25-1 against Wisła Kraków. Suspicions arise but the official response from FIFA was “Meh, whatever!” as Sepp Blatter walks away with a few złotys drifting out of his pockets.
March – Following successful treatment for her boyfriend Nergal, Doda becomes a nun, claiming that a prayer to God had saved her boyfriend in his darkest hour. Her payment in return would mean her becoming a nun. However, 4 hours later the stunt is revealed to be a hoax, as Doda just wanted to dress up in a nun’s outfit for her new music video.
Nuns on the run?
April – Prima Aprilis is celebrated once more on April 1st, and the PKP decide to play an April Fool’s joke by releasing a whole new train timetable, effective from 00:00 on April 1st. An example of the fun includes trains being scheduled to travel between Wrocław and Gdańsk with a detour through Lublin. The Minister for Transport is fired.
May – On April 30th, Germany finally opens its borders to all of the ‘new’ EU countries allowing their citizens to work there without needing a visa. 200,000 Poles move to Berlin, then realise there are no jobs there, and that they miss pierogi and barszcz too much and have returned by the end of the May holidays. In the Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, Doda and Nergal perform a rock duet, finishing a close second place to the “Sexy Robot Singers” from the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
June – Poland prepares to take over the 6 month EU presidency. Police run drills with batons and water cannons as thousands of protesters are expected to complain about the hundreds of millions of złoty that it will cost to hold the presidency.
July – Poland takes over the EU Presidency. A record heat-wave of 2 weeks reaching almost 40 degrees Celsius turns most Poles into zombies, unable to function as normal. Police use batons to smash lumps of ice into more manageable sized pieces while water cannons prove hugely popular as an option to cool off.
August – With a census taking place between April and June, the results are finally released in August, and it turns out there are 8 million foreigners living in Poland! Most have been hiding out and speaking only a few sentences of Polish to get by – enough to order bread, meat or a beer. A new political party called ‘Poland for non-Poles’ is set up to make the most of this revelation.
September – The return of the school year brings controversy as the political parties get involved in electioneering. One political party calls for more school uniforms, hoping to win the teachers vote. Another calls for less school uniforms to satisfy the parents. One foolish party calls for mandatory black tie wear while in school, aiming for the ‘too cool for school’ crowd while forgetting they are too young to vote.
October – As the parliamentary elections finally arrive, the voters have been whipped up into a frenzy, and it results in a record 90% turnout to vote. It seems the threat of a party called ‘Poles for non-Poles’ stirred a few fears in Poles, although most forgot that foreigners could not vote anyways…
Who did she vote for?
November – In the final football match for the national football team of 2011, a friendly is arranged against Liechtenstein – presumably to allow the Polish players confidence to rise before facing the might of Spain, Holland and Germany in Euro 2012. However, the plan backfires as Poland lose 2-1 in Warsaw with Hermann Pfarrfenknuggen the hero, scoring two goals for Liechtenstein. Poland immediately withdraws from hosting Euro 2012 due to shame, citing the lack of investment in roads, hotels and other infrastructure as the reason.
December – 2011 ends with a language confrontation. With the economies of Ireland, the UK, the United States and other Western countries continuing to suffer, more and more Polish emigrés return home. However, with many millions having gone to English speaking countries, a campaign has arisen for Ponglish to be used as the second language of Poland. The official campaign spokesperson said “Szur, it sims diffikult at fyrst, but ju get just to it”. Efforts to adopt it as a second language falter with the older generation though, who feel more comfortable with the Cyrillic letters of the Russian alphabet.
That was it from Mystik Monika for this year. She’ll probably be back at some time in 2012!