Tag Archives: humour

Polandi-Leaks

Mysterious Internet superhero Island1 Assange has recently published the contents of six-and-a-half billion pieces of paper he found in the bins behind the Polish Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

Startling revelations being poured over by the world’s media include hints that Jarosław Kaczyński might be “a bit suspicious” of the Russians and that Radosław Sikorski spelled the word “zucchini” wrong twice on a shopping list.

Among printouts of secret emails sent from Poland’s far flung embassies and notes written on the back of unpaid gas bills are tantalising glimpses of the high-powered world of international diplomacy. Highlights include:

Poland’s ambassador to Ireland, Tadeusz Szumowski, begging to be allowed home before he has to eat his shoes…

An inter-office competition to photoshop the most amusing moustache on Angela Merkel…

Not official Polish policy

Warnings from the the Polish consulate in Nottingham that the locals are getting dangerously close to perfecting a recipe for bigos…

Complaints from embassy staff in Moscow that Putin has hidden all their toys and is a “horrid, nasty man”…

Putin a “big meanie”

An application from the Hotel Kinga, Pcim, to accommodate secret CIA prisoners (rejected on humanitarian grounds)…

Details of a black propaganda operation aimed at ruining the reputation of that “smug bastard” Colin Farrell…

Polish authorities have expressed a desire to “talk” to Island1, who is believed to be in hiding somewhere under the bed.

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Polish Entry, Working Girls and Knocking

Where there’s a gun, there’s a way. The uniformed men in Poland stood for authorities. Alien authorities, often. German Gestapo, Soviet NKVD, PRL secret police officers could raid into a Polish flat without a warrant. Needless to say, the men in uniformed power were not as polite as this Monty Python’s constable:

Members of the military, police, militia, forest inspectorate, postal service, gas works, electricity works, firemen, doctors, priests, anyone in outwardly authority-marking clothes would always have the hand upper than the hand of a ‘regular’ plain clothes or plain pyjamas Pole’s. Especially when it could carry a gun, a baton, a court summons. Media (such as TV) were power, too – a journalist could enter places where mortals dared not. Clerks used to be (and sometimes still feel to be) in power to, apparently more important than citizens.

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Still, you will easily find politeness in Poland wherever it is needed – in a shabby-clad burglar, for example. Start watching this piece of “Alternatywy 4” [from 02:10] A burglar named Balcerek is requested to break into a flat of one of his neighbours. He has his principles: it is professionally unethical to go burglarise your own homestead. Assured it’s a matter of life and death, Balcerek agrees to break in, accompanied to the target door by the neighbours. What should a burglar do before he starts his job? He KNOCKS.

Or, note that men of the Polish resistance knock. Only then they can break into a rendez-vous (watch first 50 secs)].

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One comment below the post about the English exit was about a water–meter inspectoress, allegedly rude. Her iconic precedent is Kobieta Pracująca (the Working Woman), a jill of all trades, mistress of just as many.

See her walk in bravely as a gas / electricity works collector, demand a place to seat, wanting the mess on the table removed. Don’t dismiss her rudeness too hastily: she pays back with many a piece of advice on a variety of subjects, free of charge, not even for a cuppie. In another episode she says “excuse me” to offer insurance policy instantly in the middle of the household under marital argumentation. Both episodes merged below:

See her as a saleswoman, offering veal, turning into a plague-fighter since the need be. See that not only Polish home is not a castle, but a bedridden man’s bed does not stand within any area of unpeeped-in privacy. See the lady toss “good evening” and barge in to offer pants-sewing service. Two episodes in one tube again:

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The times they are a-changin’. There can be less arrogance and more pleasure in life. So, I’ll leave you with a gas detector inspector and a morgue representative paying their visits to a damsel (in distress?).

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No woman working here.

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10 things that make Polish people laugh

THERE’S MORE LIKE THIS ON OUR NEW SITE – POLANDIAN.COM

Sensitive content warning: this post contains sexual references and swearing, which some people may find offensive.

There are some things that make everybody laugh regardless of their cultural background. There are, however, some differences in sense of humour between nations. Even in the English-speaking world, some things that are dead serious to Americans seem incredibly funny to the British (and probably vice-versa).
Here’s a subjective list of things that are guaranteed to make Poles laugh:

1. The Czech language

The thought that a language might make people laugh may sound surprising, but it’s true. The Czech language sounds ridiculously funny to the Polish ear. Although both languages derive from a common core and have many similarities they evolved for centuries on their own. Most Czech words sound to Poles like diminutives of their own words, pronounced with an awkward accent, which could be likened to dwarf-speak. What is more, many similar-looking and sounding words have completely different meanings. Simple notices about bus departures at a bus station in the Czech Republic can make a Polish person laugh like crazy; the Czech word for ‘departures’ means ‘faeces’ in Polish. ‘Laska’ (Czech for love) is Polish for ‘blow job.’ I could go on like this for a long time. Anything, which would be normally regarded as funny – when it has the Czech factor added – leads to Poles going completely mental.

An example of Czech language:

and again, with modern audio:

2. Foreign people speaking Polish

Foreign people speaking Polish, or foreign people generally, used to be a very rare thing in Poland. Hearing them speaking Polish is always entertaining. If you’re a foreigner and you want to make the atmosphere more relaxed, say something in Polish (and try to squeeze in some mistakes). Poles will be impressed by your effort to learn their language, that many people regard as difficult (but don’t be fooled, it’s pretty easy).

Example of foreign people speaking Polish:

3. Politics

Political jokes and political satire during communist times were a way of coping with the annoyances of the system. And there was always something to laugh about. There was a saying that Poland was “the merriest barrack in the communist camp.” This approach to politics continues today, and it has to be acknowledged that Polish politicians basically write scripts for comedians with their irrational acts.

Polish politics meets The Muppets

4. Poland

This might come as a surprise, but Poles love to laugh at themselves (but they don’t like it when others do so) and everything that is substandard, weird, awkward, broken, or baldly organised in this country.

5. Westerners

The way that westerners don’t understand some things about Polish reality makes many people laugh (and others sigh). Westerners used to be particularly funny in the past, when Polish reality was more complicated, and they were thought to be unable to comprehend it. The lost foreigner used to be a regular feature in Polish comedy films and series.

6. Hong Kong

Look how people laugh when you mention Hong Kong

7. Peasant people

Years of communism and appreciating the working class and peasant people didn’t really work on the Poles. Peasant people or unqualified workers are commonly associated with inarticulate language, bad grammar, poor vocabulary, tasteless demeanour and occasional problems with personal hygiene. They are a constant source of fun for urban and middle-class Poles. They are mercilessly mocked by the whole pop-culture.
(Stereo)typical peasant person (here fragments of a genuine local election advert):

Poles are in fact huge snobs.

8. Lack of general knowledge

As stated above, Polish people have a tendency towards snobishness. This, combined with an education system focused on feeding students general knowledge basics from all disciplines, makes Polish people sensitive to signs of lack there-of. Not knowing the capital of Bolivia, the main river in Russia, or the exact date of the battle of Racławice, can put you to shame. Be warned. Have ways of escaping questions of this kind in advance. Or you might become a laughing stock.

9. Mohair berets.

Mohair Berets

In the Polish army different beret colours stand for different departments in the army. Mohair berets stand for the elderly ladies (babcias), followers of a local powerful conservative ultra/pseudo-Catholic televangelist leader. Mohair berets is their favourite headgear – and the faithfulness and discipline they they display resembles that of the army – hence the name. Mohair berets are guardians of the social order as they see it. Although in popular belief mohair berets are perceived as blind-to-argument, overwhelmed by all sorts of conspiracy theories, uneducated, aggressive, and xenophobic.

Cabaret mocking mohair berets:

Mohair beret lady arguing her political views calls a street seller speaking for news tv a ‘bitch’:

10. Psychodelic Christian music-videos

Here is the original, aired on a Catholic show on Polish public tv with a genuine Catholic bishop. “Christian is dancing”
Remake
Cocaine-LSD remix
Then came mathematics remake “ Parabolas are dancing”


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