Tag Archives: Polish girlfriend

My boyfriend might be English!

ciocia_halina

Dear Ciocia Halinka,

I’m worried my boyfriend might be English!

Alfie speaks English, but he always told me he was an American from Memphis. The other day I came home early from work and caught him drinking beer and shouting “Bloody plonker!” at the TV. My friend Monika says this is what English men do a lot and she known ‘cus she was living in Wolverhampton and Bridlington.

Please help me, how can I find out if my boyfriend is really English and how can I get rid of him if he is?

Yours

Magda from Konin

Dear Magda,

Oh dear, we have been a silly girl haven’t we. You know you shouldn’t have boys in your house, even to watch your television, until you are engaged, and even then you should have two or three aunts present. You really must be more careful or people will be perfectly justified in thinking that you are probably kissing and holding hands as well.

I can see you have a very serious problem here and this makes me happy, because I can help of course. The English are a Godless race and English men are cunning devils, often adopting disguises to hide their true identity, but there are ways to see through their evil lies. There are some things they just can’t hide.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and he’s offered to pay half the bill?

Have you ever had to open a door or put your coat on without help?

Do you find him reluctant to go with you to church?

Have you ever found your male “friend” lying face down outside the door of his flat muttering something about “bad beer.”

Has he ever displayed an interest in football, rugby, or cricket?

Have you ever seen him laughing hysterically at grown men wearing sparkly suits dancing on tv?

Have you ever heard him use any of the following words or phrases:

Knob
Pillock
Mate
I say old thing!
Crickey!
Chav
Stone me!
Apples and pears
Off side!
Bollocks!

If you find your “friend” really is English I advise discussing it with your priest, calling the police or informing some of your hairiest and toughest aunts. And always remember – “Bad company corrupts good morals” (Joshua 23:1-16)

God bless you my child,

Ciocia Halina

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Ten things to remember when you have a Polish girlfriend

There are an awful lot of guys out there in Poland (and elsewhere) with Polish girlfriends. It’s not always an easy thing, I know and I feel your pain. This is the definitive list of ‘things to remember’ …at least until I think of the next definitive list.

1 Her name
Bear with me, I’m not being (completely) flippant. About 90 percent of all women in Poland are named Magda, Ola, Anna, Dorota, or Kasia. That’s it. This can be confusing. If you can’t remember your Polish girlfriend’s first name ask her what her second name is. Everybody has a second name here. Unfortunately it’s usually just one of the above, but you might get lucky and come across a Jadwiga (if you’ll pardon the expression).

2. Women’s Day
This is one of approximately 74 occasions during the year when you are required to give a Polish girlfriend flowers. Flower-selling is an immensely profitable and stable business in Poland. There are flower sellers everywhere and, until recently, they were about the only businesses that stayed open on a Sunday. Women’s Day? It’s in April some time; look it up. I’m not even mentioning Valentine’s Day; that’s so obvious that you entirely deserve to lose a testicle if you forget it in Poland.

3. She is a a princess
Polish girls are brought up in the tradition of old-fashioned chivalry and deference to the ‘weaker sex.’ That means YOU carry the bags, open the door, mend things, make tea in the morning, escort her to the bus stop etc. When a little exasperated by this I often point out to my girlfriend that she’s being a ‘bit of a princess’ to which she usually smiles and flutters her eyelids in complete ignorance of the negative connotations of the phrase in British and American English. Oh well.

4. Walking is impossible
Part of the chivalry thing mentioned above is the expectation that whenever you are walking somewhere together she should have her arm looped through yours. Down narrow and crowded streets this makes progress painfully slow. It’s sweet, and I kind of like it sometimes, but it would be nice to walk through crowded areas in single file sometimes instead of having to go through ridiculous sideways-shuffling maneuvers, every five feet.

5. You are furniture
While trying to relax and watch a film in which hundreds of Russian troops are hosed down by panzers she will use you as a pillow / footstool / nose-scratching device. This is also kind of sweet and nice, but it can make it hard to concentrate on the body count.

6. She has a mother…
…who regards you with more than a hint of suspicion. Polish mothers of that generation are convinced that foreigners are godless, feckless, untrustworthy imps sent by satan to steal their daughters and carry them off to London / Dublin / Des Moines. In other words, they are remarkably well informed. You have two choices; get your act together and behave like a decent human being or avoid the mother like the plague. Neither is painless.

7. Your food is not your own
It’s a well known fact amongst men that women mysteriously become ravenously hungry only when you happen to have a large plate of long-anticipated chips in front of you. However, the effect does seem to be particularly pronounced among Polish women, who claim to eat almost nothing. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, order or cook more than you can possibly eat because your stick-thin Polish girlfriend will inevitably develop the appetite of a blue whale the moment her anxiously selected ‘small salad’ arrives.

8. You can kiss other women
She has female friends and it’s perfectly acceptable, in fact encouraged, for you to kiss all of them up to three times every time you see them. Exactly where you put your hands while you are doing this is a issue I have yet to resolve successfully. Still, it’s an up side.

9. She’s smarter than you are
The Polish education system is a marvel and good education is respected above almost everything else here. Chances are that your Polish girlfriend not only speaks English, German, and Russian (how many languages do you speak) but also has a pretty good grasp of a lot of things that you slept through at school. You’re only hope is to pretend that such things ‘aren’t considered important in Western culture’ and shrug until she buys it.

10. …uh oh
I’ve forgotten the last one! I’m in big trouble.

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