Tag Archives: Polish passport

How not to take a Polish passport photo

THERE’S MORE LIKE THIS ON OUR NEW SITE – POLANDIAN.COM

Poland is famed for its heavy-handed bureaucracy. Hanging around in the offices of Krakow’s municipal government the other day, as you do, I happened across a poster that left me paralytic with mirth.

Full size pdf version (3.6 megs)

These are instruction on what you should avoid when submitting photos for a passport. The range of possible errors is stupendous and, at times, mystifying. The poster should be entitled:

New passport photo? You’ll be lucky!

Let’s look at some of these possible transgression in slightly tongue-in-cheek detail.

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Hideous pink cardigan on display; what will foreigners think!

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Your head is way too big; consider radical plastic surgery.

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Possible second head on left shoulder not visible.

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Don’t you narrow your eyes at me young lady! Cheap hussy.

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You are a terrorist. Report to the nearest Police station for a severe kicking.

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You are probably a terrorist. Report to the nearest Police station where officers will stare at you suspiciously for a while.

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You are an American. That’ll be $800 please. By the way, do you know my cousin in Chicago?

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You are a poorly encoded digital copy of yourself. Get back to the Matrix.

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Report to the nearest beauty salon for makeup lessons… and grey is sooo not your color.

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You are an orange freak. Stay out of the solarium and come back in six months.

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You are satanically possessed. Report to your local priest for immediate exorcism.

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You are blind. What the hell do you want to go abroad for?

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You are a Nowa Huta bimbo. You’ll never get a US visa anyway so why bother.

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Aaaaah the glare! The glare is blinding me!

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You are too stupid to get on an airplane.

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Stop thinking about that! Jesus will be angry!

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What’s with all the trees? Are you some kind of hippy?!

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Photograph taken by artistic boyfriend. Can we see the topless ones?

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Get a proper haircut.

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Look out! There’s somebody behind you!

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And the acceptable ones:

You look a bit like Jodie Foster and you’re clearly miserable as hell. That’s good enough for us.

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You are a small blonde boy with a crew cut. Aaaaah, sweet!

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Not a chance, but we have to put this in ‘cus Brussels told us too.

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